i vacuumed yesterday. the living room AND dining room. for the first time since oren arrived on the scene. it felt so GOOD. it’s embarassing how good it felt to clean. i think i’ll do it again soon. especially since just after i finished vacuuming, one of the cats puked on it.

on the otherhand, my parenting skills have been going down the drain. even now, i’m sitting here typing this while seb is watching baby van gogh (aka, the goat) on tv. he has to holler to me in here to tell me what is going on. if i were a good mAmA, i’d be in there watching and discussing the video with him. i just can’t bring myself to do it. seb and i are in the throws of grieving eachother’s company, and we’re acting out, each in our own special way:

seb is completely obnoxious about every little thing–screaming that he needs a kleenex every 5 minutes and refusing to do anything i ask him to do–time-outs abound. we’ve had to stop using his room for the time-outs because he has associated positive things like nap- and bedtime with punishment. great. now would be a good time to own a garage (haha). it was nice to have a door to shut out the noise of him “venting” during his time-out, but now we’re resigned to using the stairs or something and listen to the noise. i’m becoming inured to my oldest baby’s crying, and it bothers me a little bit.

my way of acting out has been to give up having any fun time with seb. i don’t even really try anymore because it ends up in a battle of wills and i don’t like losing. so i just automatically say “no” now. it’s become a reflex… hmmm, no wonder that’s all seb ever says to us.

“no, seb, you cannot play in the basement (cause i don’t feel like going down there)”
“no, seb, you cannot paint (cause i don’t feel like getting them out or cleaning them up)”
“no, seb, you cannot hold the baby brudder”
“no, seb, you cannot sit on my lap, i’m holding oren”
“no, seb, i can’t play trains with you, my hands are full”

it really sucks. there really is no other word to describe it.

i go to a playgroup with other mothers once a week, and several of us with two kids now talk about how horrible we are at mothering, and all the other mothers with just one kid or older children just look on at us in pity.

“it’ll get better eventually”
“it’s teaching seb not to be so selfish and how to share”
“it’s good for seb to learn how to play on his own”
“seb won’t even remember this time of his life when he’s older”

comforting. thanks.

at least it’s too early in the motherhood game to tally up my accomplishments…